Just for the record

I resent panpipes. I resent the reedy, insipid bleating they emit, which sounds like Enya’s farts, or a flute with a cough.

Proof of panpipes’ plainness, as if any was needed, lies in the fact that they lend themselves to any song of any style with results such as these:

Panpipes are the appendix of the music world, serving no obvious purpose other than filling spaces of silences in lifts, hotel lobbies and my local Alfa Market. While they are not as bad as Yosra, panpipes are inoffensive, which is possibly worse. If they were human they would talk about the weather. Or about new age healing spas, their favourite haunt apart from my local Alfa Market. Pan Pipes are the Scientology cult of music, stripping songs which fall into their clutches of all personal identity and forcing them to wear a pair of beige slacks, and every time I hear ‘Bright Eyes’ or ‘Tears in Heaven’ done a la pipes I wonder at the cruelty of mankind.

On a different note, yesterday I spoke to a woman on the phone who informed me that her name was Dolly, and wasn’t joking.

Suber star actor and former fit bloke Hussein Fahmy is on television presenting a programme called ‘the People and Me,’ in which Lord Fahmy gives ordinary plebs their Warhol 15 minutes. I am pleased to report that Hussein has taken the time to colour coordinate his pink jumper with his perma-flush face. I have just relayed this information to my mother on MSN, prompting her to exclaim “Hussein my old friend! I used to talk to him on the phone,” revealing yet new boundaries to her former hobnobbing with the stars 60s self, now discovering another type of glamour in Croydon. When I asked her whether Hussein’s face was still flushed back then, she said “yes, and he was very fat.” Fancy that!

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41 Responses to Just for the record

  1. Forsoothsayer says:

    when was he fat? he’s been acting since forever and he was yummy all along. as to his face: man’s an alcoholic. redness is unavoidable.

  2. fully_polynomial says:

    she probably means when they were kids or something.

    but, if she knew he was fat then, then she must have seen him, so she would probably say something more like “i used to play with him”, instead of “i used to talk to him on the phone”.

    mesh 3aref. this is too strong a riddle for our feeble minds. since he very demonstrably has never been very fat in as long as we have known him as a screen actor

  3. Amnesiac says:

    I don’t know why they used to talk on the phone, but they were neighbours, and my mum’s friend was dating one of his brothers, one of those arrangements. Hence why she knew he was fat. This was clearly before his acting days.

    Anyway this sounds like awful horrendous name dropping which it was never meant to be. I was just tickled by the fact that the first thing which came to her mind was his girth. The matter is now closed.

  4. Sand-E Sez says:

    What’s the deal amnesiac? why are you hating on the panflute? The raspy is what makes them soulful. Granted they’re above and beyond lame when they’re synthesized but I’m100% sure it’s not the instrument to blame for that mess. I think they’re mazloomen a cause de the music that accompanies them. I mean really think about it elevator music is elevator music with or without the panpipe. Check out st. germain’s Soflute. A little repetitive but it gives you the vibe that the instrument has the potential to be bad ass as opposed to its regular sissy.
    P.S does all this then means you don’t like anything raspy? The nay, the flute, the baritone sax or the tuba!?

  5. Amnesiac says:

    lol badass flute. Flutes are almost as bad as panpipes. See: acid jazz.

    It’s not so much the raspiness which offends me as perhaps the pitch, and their frequent combination with drum machines and keyboards. Not their fault I know, but it doesn’t help their case.

    Plus every Saturday in the shopping centre where I used to live in the 90s there were these two blokes playing panpipes while wearing what was presumably meant to be Amazonian style carpet ponchos. Ponchos are something else I have a visceral aversion to, and I seem to have made some association between poncho and pipe in my mind and classified both of them in the crap category alongside Bono.

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