Trouble triptych

I find most aspects of being a functioning adult challenging, particularly:

1. Interpersonal relationships of almost any kind
2. Currency conversions
3. Remembering to smile during encounters with other people, or at least not look pathologically aggressive
4. Getting beyond ‘I’m fine thanks,’ and consequently hiding behind desks rather than having to share a lift with a vague acquaintance filled with silence and expectation
5. Maintaining conversation when my interlocutor wishes to discuss clothes/shoewear/men*/how a mechanical object functions
6. Timing the adjustment of chest armour so as not to be detected by e.g. male colleagues
7. Remembering stuff
8. Wearing belts without missing a belt loop**

While I apparently have vaguely autistic tendencies without the genius, this affliction does not usually extend to clumsiness. But then of course life always likes to mix things up, and voila the eggs on today’s menu:

The Khartoum Incident
Reaching for the hose pipe water jet contraption used in connection with – la mo2akhza – nature’s urges, I inadvertently turn the bloody thing on while it is still attached to the wall. It is affixed at eye level, resulting in a torrent of Cairo’s finest water carwashing my glasses and rinsing the back of my left eyeball, blinding me temporarily in the process.

Speak softly, love
Going to the kitchen at work involves crossing a reception type area where nice paternal colleague Mr Bidangan sits. On exiting my room today, I entered his area at the precise moment when he emitted a schoolboy prankster-type belch of quite frankly astonishing volume, depth and intensity. Its machine gun cadence rang in the air as I speed-walked past, studiously examining the carpet, as he tried to salvage a scrap of dignity by morphing the last notes of his offering into a monstrous fake cough/throat-clearing noise, and in the process sounding like a baboon during the mating season.

Walking home, in addition to the usual weel-coms in Egybt I am accosted by a posse of flying gnats who, in an act of mafia generosity, spare the eye injured in the Khartoum Incident, and instead punish my right eye by flying into it and refusing to leave until I pay protection money. Causing more temporary blindness.

* Other than discussion of their posteriors/any part of Ahmed Ezz
** These things are also known collectively as ‘life.’

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77 Responses to Trouble triptych

  1. Mumbo Jumbo says:

    That damn shataf- I was once sodomized by the shataf at work!

  2. Forsoothsayer says:

    dude i thought you liked hearing talk about guys…you always say helpful things!

  3. Amnesiac says:

    Mumbo: LOL

    Forsooth: I do? Given my personal track record, any alleged expertise in affairs of the heart must conform to the rule that e.g. hairdessers always have shocking hi-lited mullets, and dentists always have bad teeth.

  4. Anonymous says:

    many things…
    I enjoyed reading your blog.
    I have been assaulted many times by the shattaf… Sometimes in midsummer the shock is scalding water. At a friend’s house it was a torrent of unbelievable pressure… painful, and never repeated (luckily he has two bathrooms). I’ve had the ‘live snake’ scenario of the attached-to-the-wall variety coming alive in my hands before i could aim the damn thing… despite all of this, i believe it is my mission to export the clean bum technology to the wild west (EU & US) and give the gift of fresh clean backsides to the poor unfortunates there, and in the process save the lives of millions of trees sacrificed daily in an attempt to wipe away their waste with velvety smooth tiolet paper (3-ply).
    As to gnats, i live on a rooftop, and walking round with my mouth open constitutes roughly 1/3 of my protein intake daily. I also favour the uncovered coffee-cup trap.
    Keep up the great observations.
    i would like to meet you one of these days… it’s a small town after all.

  5. Amnesiac says:

    Con I salute you on the bringing the shattaf to the west idea. As you say it’s unfortunate that the east’s legacy of exporting its many treasures to the west has not extended to the gift of downstairs hygiene.

    Are you Con of ‘tu es Con’ Croc fame by any chance?

  6. Amnesiac says:

    I will no doubt see you at Stand Up Cairo if fingers crossed it happens.

    I shall delete your comment so that you don’t get random nutters calling you up.

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