Craptain Hima

Egypt’s answer to Beyonce, the ubiquitous Tamer Hosny, is a spectacularly hardworking man. A man who does not allow his busy schedule of album releases, TV appearances, film releases and complicated hair maintenance to prevent him from updating his own Wikipedia entry (sample: “Favourite Place: Any Calm Place with light light [sic]”). The love of his fans, he says, is “the most valuable thing” given to him.

So conscientious is he of his duty towards his fans that not even a brief sojourn in prison following a mishap with a forged passport and a date with the army could stop our Tamer, and he released an album, “Eineyya Bethebbak”, “My Eyes Love You” while doing porridge.

I wonder if Tamer drew on his prison experiences whilst preparing for his latest role in Captain Hima, written and directed by his long-time associate, producer and pop star manufacturer, Nasr Mahrous.

The film – essentially a 90 minute music video inconvenienced by a dull script and poor acting thrust in between Tamer’s costume changes – is the story of Ibrahim, aka Hima, a loveable, cheeky school bus driver who, we are to understand, is mad keen on football – from whence the captain.

The purpose of the frustrated footballer theme is to tell us that economic circumstances following the death of his parents in a car accident have conspired against this talented, honest, hard-working young man and shattered his dreams – but not, apparently, his ability to buy an extensive and expensive-looking wardrobe of outfits.

Hima looks exactly like Tamer Hosny – not only because he is Tamer Hosny – but because Tamer Hosny’s idea of getting into character is changing the angle of his hair. But then he needn’t trouble himself with acting skills, because Captain Himo is after all a Tamer Hosny vehicle. This is made clear from one of the very first scenes, when Tamer is cleaning his bus and a teaching assistant bursts on in a groupie manner and excitedly expounds on how beautiful Hima is, or Tamer is, while the huge elephant of TAMER HOSNY’S CELEBRITY looks on from the back of the bus.

The film’s obligatory love interest comes in the form of Zeina, who plays a standoffish but highly attractive teacher who cheeky Hima immediately falls for.

Guess what! Zeina is from a wealthy family, and as has already been established, Hima isn’t For the 984,000th time in the history of cinema the love across the class divide theme is rehashed with absolutely nothing new added, in what is little more than a reprise of Hassan Tayara, released earlier this year.

Like Razan in Hassan Tayara, Zeina is being bothered by a suitor, Hossam, who is wealthy and well-connected but otherwise odious. He wants to marry her, inundating her with gifts and unannounced appearances and free dinners as part of his seduction campaign, and generally makes a nuisance of himself. Zeina is all at sea, torn between him, and her steadily growing attraction to Hima/Tamer and his assorted collection of leather wristbands.

Meanwhile, Hima is continuing his own campaign of Proving What a Solid Guy He Is. We see him caring for his teenage sister, “Toota”, who was not killed in the car accident but suffers from an unidentified illness which makes her fragile and liable to expire at any moment but alas does not stop her from being intensely irritating.

The Muslim Hima is also best friends with his neighbour, who is Christian. We are constantly reminded of this fact both by, 1. the huge bishop-sized cross he wears around his neck 2. his eating in front of Hima during Ramadan while proclaiming that he has never eaten in front of anyone fasting before remembering that it is Ramadan (oh, how we laughed) and 3. the Christian iconography to which he prays each time Toota is rushed into hospital.

The clumsy thrusting of this Sesame Street-style, interfaith theme in our faces was entirely pointless and almost tokenistic.

But then none of the film’s themes are expanded on, apart from the insipid Tamer-Zeina love story. One of the charges on Tamer’s bus has an incontinence problem, and tells him that his nanny beats him, and is generally horrid to him. Tamer takes the little boy home and confronts the wicked nanny (allowing in the process the director to insert an ill-placed gag revolving around the unseen boy’s mother groaning, it turns out in pain. Boom boom). And then this particularly storyline stops dead.

And that’s because Hima and Zeina are going camping with her school charges! Both of them woke up each morning looking immaculate, despite being in the middle of the desert, Tamer’s cardboard hair unruffled by the desert winds and Zeina putting practicality first in a pair of moon boots.

Zeina discovers Tamer reading a book – GASP – in ENGLISH, allowing Tamer to bore us with a short lecture about why being a bus driver doesn’t mean you can’t be educated and intellectual and have good taste, though his collection of skin-tight disco t-shirts challenges this theory somewhat.

There then follows an action packed scene when, for a reason which is not clear, silly Zeina falls over in a perfectly still, moored boat. while looking through a pair of binoculars at nothing at all and manages to knock herself out in the process. Perhaps her moon boots had compromised her equilibrium?

Ever alert, Tamer bounds over and snatches her from the jaws of a slight headache.

All this is a lead up to song on the shores of a lake which would be merely tedious, if it were not for the drunk-man-harassing-a-woman-in-a-pub nature of the lyrics. “This is what draws me to you” Tamer declares, while clearly and unmistakably looking at Zeina’s bosoms. Rather than giving him a slap, Zeina skips along, smiling coyly. “I kiss my hand because it’s shaken your hand in greeting,” Tamer warbles – apparently taking a new, more oblique approach after the sexual harassment tactic didn’t bear fruit. So to speak.

And the worst thing is, we are subjected to all this nonsense and it didn’t actually happen: Tamer dreamt it. Well, Mahrous had to shoehorn in the singing-next-to-a great-expanse-of-water-scene somehow, I suppose. No contemporary mass-consumption Egyptian film involving a singer is complete without it.

Back in Cairo and Hossam the unctuous suitor pops up again until Zeina finally pulls her finger out and gives him his marching orders. Then everything goes berserk. First, a poorly-rendered Speed-like scene when the schoolbus’ brakes stop working but a huge pile of sand conveniently parked at the side of the road both saves the day and the need for any convincing special effects.

Then Toota is hospitalised and Tamer is arrested on murder charges concocted by evil Hossam and held for four days, allowing him to employ his method acting techniques and draw on his prison experience. (The result: he paces up and down his cell looking at the ceiling while we are forced to listen to him singing).

The film’s ends with the inevitable Zorro-like confrontation between Hima and Hossam, Hossam telling Hima “God made classes so that everyone knows their place.” “No,” Hima informs him sanctimoniously “God made classes to complement each other” before everything ends happily ever after and Tamer and Nasr Mahrous go off to the bank.

Originally published in Daily News Egypt.

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200 Responses to Craptain Hima

  1. LouLou says:

    That’s a spoiler if I ever saw one.:)

    Thanks for the warning though.

  2. Mahdi says:

    hahaha this is brilliant, you are brilliant

  3. Molly says:

    I think I broke a kidney reading this.

    unfortunately I can’t explain exactly how hilarious this particular statement “excitedly expounds on how beautiful Hima is, or Tamer is, while the huge elephant of TAMER HOSNY’S CELEBRITY looks on from the back of the bus” is to my husband who doesnt understand the references.


    good reading.

  4. hebe says:

    I do believe my bottom has fallen off from excess chortling. excellent review

  5. NIDAAL PAL says:

    Harrying the marrying
    is Very beautiful, maybe i die of Much laughter .. & your Efforts showing and Tiredness in the events of Abu rejeila area and message of Mohammed Marii from burg el-arab prison .. but if you allowing to me plz i wanna mack Pointed out that there are nearly 4,700 families in the area of Arabs Abu Rojeila and the region along the place where photo images you take it to a zone calling el-salam .. you had wrote in the Daily News report, theres hundreds of people , but in fact theres thousands of them in this area
    thanx about your exerts Efforts
    very interesting blog


  6. NIDAAL PAL says:

    region along the place where photo images you take it to or Even … a zone calling el-salam

  7. Forsoothsayer says:

    very funny dude.

  8. getoutlines says:

    I feel a bit shallow for admitting this, but I like your snarky review posts the best.

    I also did lots of snorting, especially at the mention of moon boots.

  9. Amnesiac says:

    Thanks people.

  10. Muhammad Aladdin says:

    “Hima looks exactly like Tamer Hosny – not only because he is Tamer Hosny – but because Tamer Hosny’s idea of getting into character is changing the angle of his hair.”
    I Like that :)
    and it is strange this very way of sarcasm could be so British.. would be perfectly uttered by Hugh Grant :)

    P.s: ya are the one who did the article with Magdy, right?!

  11. Amnesiac says:

    Yes sir.

  12. Muhammad Aladdin says:

    Very nice knowing ya, ya did a splendid job :)

  13. icroc says:

    i was thinking, “why do you keep putting yourself through this torture (dodgy Arabic movies)”? But we both know – the bad ones are more fun to write :)
    keep at it, but remember, you won’t get those 91 minutes back.

  14. nahla says:

    Haven’t been here for a while, well about 6 weeks. I must say I actually can’t believe you bothered! You reviewed “Captain Hima”?!? You sat through it & thought about it afterwards & reflected! You had expectations & were actually surprized that the “film” turned out to be shit.
    Honestly I can’t believe you watched it ut i’m glad u did. Hilarious as usual & gave me a much needed laugh!

  15. ascendotuum says:

    I showed two people your review on two separate occasions and they now both want to see this movie.

    I don’t know whether I’m writing this in encouragement or in discouragement, haha.

  16. Amnesiac says:

    Muhammad: Thanks :-)

    Icroc & Nahla: Cheap laughs.

    Ascendotuum: Well Tamer Hairy should give me a cut of his takings.

  17. Marwa Rakha says:

    Someone on my facebook friends used this trick on me right after declaring his “love”

    “Being a bus driver doesn’t mean you can’t be educated and intellectual and have good taste”

    Darn ..

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    One of the best ways to determine if a poker site has soft games is
    to read evaluations on-line that are written by other players.
    Now on-line poker is performed utilizing Internet and an internet site that can be accessed from any part of the
    world. Headquartered in Mumbai and working in Goa, the IPC hopes to make India
    the following large destination on the world poker circuit.

    Burman instructed ET that PSL has generated a whole lot of
    interest among the many critical in addition to amature poker gamers and corporates.
    The primary challenges for poker startups lie in ridding the unfavourable picture related to the sport and getting authorities
    to recognise it as a game of ability and not playing, which
    is usually disallowed in India. This is the first sign of an aggressive marketing campaign by Indian poker web sites, which have
    been providing real-money poker since 2011. Similarly, Germany might claim
    that for the reason that server hosting the website Poker is located within its jurisdiction Germany has the ultimate

    Nevertheless, from the buying energy standpoint, India is kind of completely different
    from Australia,” stated Ashkenazi. Nonetheless, there’s different legislation in India which contradicts this to some extent. Day four being the final tournament of the weekend has a lower turnout of sixty eight gamers who participated within the 12k Headhunters event on Sunday night. Otherwise it would not be how I make my living.” Hustlers
    are at all times banging on about going legit”, but to fans around the globe, poker is just not a degenerate vice, not even a recreation of craft and ability. These games which may be on Star Poker have been declared to be approved by statutes governing gaming Laws as they are video games of talent.

    Enter your email below and obtain regular poker tips, updates and videos direct to your inbox. In 1996, the Supreme Courtroom reaffirmed that skill games are usually not legally included as gambling in India. Once the online poker websites realized that connect with gamers is the important thing and promotional events have been focused to generate curiosity of poker players, the online model is significantly accepted and being touted as the following big factor. Although the betting and blinds are same as in Omaha however the recreation play and showdown is totally different. By its tournaments, the IPC intends to advertise this sport in India and produce the next poker greats from this a part of the world.

    In response to a report from The Occasions of India , local police in the metropolis of Ahmedabad, which is in the Indian state Gujarat, have moved to crack down on the video games on the Hotel Ramada. The 12 groups will consist of 108 gamers who will play for prize cash of Rs three.36 crore. Just about every online poker site presents poker bonuses to players, either as bonus added cash to your first deposit (often called the first deposit bonus) when you enroll with a brand new poker site, or as extra bonuses that are given to you at intervals (often known as reload bonuses). The sport is normally performed with restricted enthusiasts in safe locations as the sport operates in a grey area of legality in India.

    Grey markets check with countries the place unregulated on-line playing is nominally illegal, however governments have not passed laws specifically forbidding it, whereas black markets, in fact, have passed such legal guidelines. If you sadly find yourself on a site that doesn’t have any license in any way, not solely do you stand the prospect of being cheated of your exhausting-earned cash, you might also be indulging in illegal online behaviour. Worldwide sites together with PokerStars and 888poker also provide actual-money poker in India. Our VIP program has been designed to maximize the online poker expertise of our real cash players.

    Poker followers are hopeful that the sport will someday be recognized by the International Mind Sports activities affiliation, which will put it it alongside different mind-games like Chess, Bridge and Draughts. So while conventional gambling will be regulated by varied States across the India, on-line gambling is a totally totally different ball sport. Actually, a examine means that 4 out of 5 poker players within the US use such medicine. In this recreation of life, the hand dealt represents determinism, the way you play it’s free will ! Sure, Very supportive, as long as the Family, Work, and Poker life balance is maintained.

    Extending the arguments utilized by the Hon’ble Supreme Courtroom on this landmark determination and utilizing statistical analysis by numerous poker experts including David Sklansky (the author of the bestselling ebook The Concept of Poker”) and others, it may be appropriate to say that no sport of poker
    can be won with no certain degree of intellect,
    analytical abilities and understanding of the sport and
    thus requires a very high degree of skill. With 5 decks and 3 flooring
    of unlimited gaming motion, poker aficionados
    are delighted with world-class poker amenities. Those playing rummy, poker and other card video games
    online for stakes don’t have to fret whether or not it is totally a game of sheer luck or involves expertise.

    International online poker websites are formally allowed to offer real money poker games to players, so taking part in at the above mentioned rooms
    is absolutely safe and authorized. But the proof of
    free poker usefulness is in profitable a Texas Holdem or on-line poker sport!

    Be it internet hosting multiple tournaments a day
    or enthralling customers with captivating promotions,
    Indian On-line Poker & Rummy Gaming Website has been far ahead of
    competitors and been striving continuously to offer one
    of the best for patrons. I am presently working on a web based poker college the place I
    intend to show the fundamentals of poker technique in a
    structured and organised manner.

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