A letter received by our agony aunt

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Dear Agony Aunt

After 30 years with my husband I feel like I need a new start, but he doesn’t feel the same way, and now I can’t get rid of him.

I married my current husband in a rather speedy manner after my previous husband, god rest his soul, was shot by a neighbour who objected to the rather oppressive manner in which my former husband dealt with my neighbour’s plants.

My current husband seemed a little dull and to be honest seemed to lack enthusiasm for tying the knot but I was thinking about my kids so the union went ahead. I learnt to put up with his penchant for inappropriate jokes and the hair dye spilt all over the bathroom once a month. He soon developed a taste for the husband role however and within weeks was preventing me from meeting in groups larger than five and locking me up in our bedroom for weeks without telling anyone where I was if I criticised his taste in shirts.

I also had to contend with his sons from his first marriage, one of whom is an insipid streak of bald shite and the other a football-mad idiot. His ex-wife is no better, always trotting around with her handbag and her perfect hair going on about the importance of everyone reading.

Still I put up with him because whenever I even thought about criticising him his friend Safwat would come round and make me a cup of tea and whisper how he would be happy to “whisk me away from my troubles in no time at all”.

Things went along like this for years until recently when my husband stopped buying stuff for the house and my kids went hungry and every time they complained he’d beat them up and get his mate Habib to lock them in the shed. Whenever I complained he’d go on about how I better shut up because he has friends all over the world especially America and one of them owns a gun shop and if I open my mouth again he’ll get a gun and shoot me in the knees.

Things changed drastically when my next door neighbour chucked her fella out and I realised that I didn’t have to take my husband’s shit anymore. My kids took over the garden, preventing him from getting to his vegetable patch, and burnt down his shed. When Habib and Safwat came round and tried to get them to leave they sprayed them with fertilizer and made them fuck off.

My husband then tried a new tactic by getting his mates from the pub to surround the garden and lob rocks on us. We resisted, and they got bored and buggered off. So then my husband started spreading rumours about me on Facebook, saying that I sleep with men for take away meals, especially fried chicken and chips from Kentucky. That didn’t work, so then he got his mates to beat up any one who came near my house and got people from the Neighbourhood Watch to join in.

Two weeks later and all this failed. My kids are still in the garden going strong and my husband has still not fucked off. Now he’s got his friend Omar to intercede but to be honest, Omar gives me the creeps and I hear that he had a dodgy past.

Please advise me how the fuck I get the message across to this turd on legs that he is no longer wanted.

Yours Sincerely,

Mrs Masr

—-

Dear Mrs Masr,

ولعي فيه

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28 Responses to A letter received by our agony aunt

  1. M says:

    Love this. Hope today comes off and the shit leaves.

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  3. Mohamed Brahimi says:

    Sleep with his boss, that’ll teach him a lesson!!

    • rehab maghribi says:

      i am sorry Mrs Masser, but the only way u can get red of him by not helping his friends and stop them using your swimming pool , that will hurt them, so they will stop supporting him and they will kick his ass and he will defiantly will fuck off. God bless you

  4. Nathaniel (sp?)West says:

    Dear Mrs Masr, please remember that God (god?) loves 2 things, a mystery and a joke. Did Isak Dinesen write that? I dunno. Any ole way, I met a traveler from an antique land (was that Shelley? can’t remember nothing no more, martinis 2 strong tonight) who said 2 vast and trunkless legs of stone stand in the desert (dessert?) near them on the sand half sunk a shattered visage lies, and on its something these words appear….Look on my works ye mighty and despair…..etc etc signed Ozzy—Desserts is stressed spelled backwards (as the sign at my local cafe reads) Just desserts and all that you know what I mean—yer husbin will walk away from you—truss me, he will. You no longer share the same sense of humor. And that is an important bond in marriage. I hope you get to keep the house/the apartment/ the parliament/ whatever. Most sincerely, Monsieur West

  5. Nilah Amel says:

    Dear Mrs. Masr

    You are so lucky to have such brave children :)

    They are an example to all your neighbors

  6. Joe Orton (Mrs.) says:

    My dear Mrs. Masr, a solution is at hand. Give Mr. Masr a Maserati. He will go far, speeding away from you on other of life’s journeys. No man can resist a quick beautiful car. Your sadness will fade as the numbers on his odometer boomerang. Yours for better marital relations, Joe Orton (Mrs.)

  7. Tamer Salama says:

    Hilarious!

    A fine piece of reporting :)

  8. sarah says:

    Absolutely ****ing brilliant!

  9. hwbts says:

    Buy a gun..

  10. Nasser Saad says:

    فى الشرق يقولون ان الطريق الى قلب الرجل بطنه, ولابد ان يكون الطريق الى اعصابه بطنه ايضا….لا بد من التفكير فى اللعب على اعصابه عن طريق الاكل والشرب حتى يخلع ..ا

  11. Budour says:

    *Spills tea over keyboard* OMG, THIS IS BRILLIANT. And perfectly put. Well done. :)

  12. spikovic says:

    dump that shit!!

  13. Molly Mallone says:

    Dear Mrs Masr

    after reading your querry with great care and consulting a psychologist, I come to the conclusion that pure force and insistence might be the only way.
    From a psycological point of view your husband might be suffer from schizophrenia. Lobotomy might be a viable treatment. Your husband might consider visiting a hospital in Germany.
    Once you managed to get rid of your husband you must cut all the ties with his social network. Keeping contact with his mates, as Omar, is counterproductive for your recovery.
    It is about the sanity of you and your children. You are a mother and you carry the burden of raising you children now. Please to not expose them any longer to the radiance of your husbands social circle.
    Let your children grow up and be of a free spirit.

    Yours sincerly,
    Molly Mallone

  14. Stan Faryna says:

    My dearest Cousin Masr,

    My heart reaches out to your agony on the wings of prayers and web bits. And I have to say, your gentle courage is an inspiration to me – and many others.

    It would be easy to pack up the kids and go – I’m sure that often crossed your mind.

    It is also not easy.

    In fact, I understand how hard it would be to give up your inheritance and an inheritance that belongs to the generations to come. Your father and mother (and their fathers and mothers) have made a home for you, for your children and for the children of your children.

    I understand you. You feel that this inheritance is not yours to give up. Nor abandon.

    Do not abandon your home; go gently amidst your troubles. Gather up courage and fortitude for the journey of this long, dark night. Pray harder, appeal to good neighbors for help, and stand with your children.

    If you don’t ask concerned neighbors for help, they are free in their conscience to mind their own business. But do not ask for the kind of help that puts a 30 year mortgage on the house and kids. Bankers are useful, but they cannot be trusted insofar as they are bankers. Appeal to them as neighbors and cousins- not bankers.

    Your kids do the right thing. Sometimes the most obvious solution is so simple and so obvious – that it can only be seen and understood by young, free hearts.

    I admire how they have demonstrated self-restraint, determination and profound creativity to share your plight with concerned neighbors. Everyone is amazed at how they’ve used the internet and social media to share your story with the community. Your kids have increased the life expectancy and market value of Twitter and Facebook by a few years. It’s too bad you won’t be getting any dividends on that.

    I have to say, that for the most part, the communication has been one way. That’s to be expected. We’re talking about kids – after all. Kids, anywhere, tend to be more self-absorbed. Encourage them to engage in conversations that build long spanning bridges and life-long friendships.

    Your second husband is not the only challenge to overcome. You have your own demons. And the kids too – not to mention that the kids won’t always get along.

    Encourage your children to seek wisdom for themselves. And self-understanding! The counsel of prudent neighbors can substitute for their inexperience. On occasion! Don’t let that become an addiction. Or a co-dependent relationship.

    Among your children are aspiring farmers, fishermen, poets, philosophers, entrepreneurs, corporate leaders, doctors, engineers – the list goes on and on. Encourage them to celebrate each other for their individual gifts and talents. Encourage them to speak freely, openly, kindly and honestly with each other.

    In this way their dreams can be woven together like the threads of a magnificent, flying carpet. A flying carpet can lift everyone together in prayer.

    It does not have to be the same prayer. Some will argue that many prayers are better than a single prayer- because the human heart has many things to speak with Heaven.

    I rejoice and give thanks when hearing that you have not been defeated. That you stand strong and brave amongst bitter reproaches, fears and doubts. That you have not surrendered your beauty, blessings and graceful manner to violence, lies and furious hatred.

    Your children are a light to the world. They are the salt of the Earth!

    You must be so proud.

    With this letter, I have sent a crate of rose jam. Beyond the sweetness of roses, it has Vitamin C and other medicinal properties. Most of all, let remind you that Love will see you through all difficulties. Love makes smooth the path that leads through the frontiers of Freedom.

    God Bless You and Your Children!

    With great devotion,
    Cousin Itt

  15. buff mcdode says:

    This is absolutely brilliant! I laughed throughout! Thanks!

  16. Mitchy McConnell (aka Junior) says:

    Dear Mrs. Masr, I will perform an intervention, as it is known in Kentucky. I will play My Old Kentucky Home on the harmonica (all the while in blackface to disguise myself, protect my image) in Tahrir Sq. Your spouse will rush across the border, headed to points north, running like a frightened damn Yankee. See you soon. You can’t miss me. Respectfully, Sen MM

  17. Peter Sellers says:

    Mme Masr, Kubrick has informed me that Merkin Muffley (My Dr Strangelove role as an honorable US president) is the spitting image of your nation’s VP Omar S. Take a look, love, use your Google image powers and search. That is one image to be spat upon, ain’t it. My face in that role (thank you make-up) will cause Flight from Egypt of your despicable mate. All the best to you and your family, Peter

  18. Wedad says:

    Dear Masr, how does a husband that feels totally despised and hatefully unwanted insist on this matrimony? no dignity?! Spread the word about his deeds so he can’t face the neighbors and be forced to change the neighborhood and leave you alone in peace to live the life you have longed for…..think well before your next husband!!!!!

  19. samar el-tahlawi says:

    strange enough, i was thinking the same yesterday. i said to myself this situation is exactly similar to a wife who lived a long life with a tyrant husband who abuses her and she does not have the courage to as for divorce thinking that this the best for her and her the children. she is afraid to face her future alone ignoring that in fact she will be raising coward children who can not face the world . thank you for making me feel that i still can think properly

  20. farid elasmer says:

    Dear madam
    your husband is a fool
    He is absent minded .He may even suffer from alzhymer
    He never learn
    Hit him with an electric stick

  21. Giovanni says:

    Looks like he finally got the message ;-)

    p.s. thanks for the writing you’re doing here on this blog, it’s really inspiring and informative!

  22. friend says:

    انتصار الثورة في مصر

    فاز إليك الرجل البسيط في الشارع المصري، والنظام. ليست وحدها، مع آخر مليونالاخوة المواطنين المصريين، وفاز الثورة الديمقراطية. هذا هو الحدث التاريخي. لميظهر الكثير من المسلمين لصالح الديمقراطية وذهب كل وسيلة للحصول عليها.

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  25. No-one Imparticular says:

    You people who have left ******** horrible comments about this poor lady’s letter are ******* LOSERS who are ******* fed up with your ******* lives!

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