As a service to non-Arabic speaking readers, we have translated the speech made today by General Mohsen El-Fangary and his finger.
In the name of God, the merciful, the compassionate.
Since the beginning of the revolution the Supreme Council of Armed Forces (SCAF) has made clear that is on the side of the people, mostly by locking them up after military trials and killing them in public squares.
It has expressed its support for their demands, and I will do so now again, in the voice I use to TELL OFF MY TEENAGE SON and during PRIVATE RE-ENACTMENTS OF EL NASER SALAH EDDIN.
I will underline the fact that THE PEOPLE CHOSE THE MESS WE ARE CURRENTLY IN USING MY VOICE AND POINTING MY FINGER. Sometimes my eyes will DART TO THE RIGHT MOMENTARILY, FRIGHTENED BY MY LOUD VOICE. This takes away slightly from the gravitas (as does the fact that the sign behind me is not straight) BUT NOT AS MUCH AS THE FACT THAT THE AUTOCUE IS TOO SLOW AND I LOOK LIKE I AM STARING AT YOUR GENITALS.
I will launch into a LIST OF POINTS, but precede this with A BIG SIGH because when I signed up to the army I didn’t bet on having to REPRIMAND A LOAD OF INSUBORDINATE CITIZENS. And it is SUMMER, and making these addresses EATS INTO MY CLUB AND VILLA TIME. As indeed does your FUCKING REVOLUTION I MIGHT ADD.
1. Everyone has the right to FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION. Anyone who disagrees with this fact publicly is FREE TO BE SUMMONED AND COME AND DRINK COFFEE AT THE MILITARY PROSECUTION OFFICE.
2. We are STICKING TO THE PLAN. ELECTIONS FIRST. I will not discuss why NO PREPARATIONS HAVE BEEN MADE FOR THESE ALLEGED ELECTIONS nor mention that EVEN THE ELECTORAL SYSTEM THAT WILL BE USED REMAINS UNCLEAR.
3. We continue to support prime minister ESSAM SHARAF even though we are THE ONLY ONES WHO DO SO.
4. Something very vague about the law not in my angry parent voice. It can be ignored.
5. We continue to have dialogue with UNNAMED YOUTH GROUPS.
6. We will draw up a document of UNASSAILABLE PRINCIPLES that will be used to pick members of the committee THAT WILL PUT IN PLACE THE NEW CONSTITUTION in a MISGUIDED ATTEMPT TO SHUT YOU ALL UP.
Now more points and more pointing fingers.
1. Some bastards are intent on peacefully protesting, thereby harming CITIZENS’ INTERESTS and state infrastructure and the WHEEL OF PRODUCTION AND CAUSING EXHAUSTION TO MY FOREFINGER.
2. False news and rumours will lead to destruction of the country and this is a theory we like to test often with our WARNINGS ABOUT FOREIGN ELEMENTS ATTEMPTING TO STEAL EGYPT AND HOLD IT HOSTAGE IN TEL AVIV.
3. Some citizens are SELFISHLY PUTTING THEIR OWN INTERESTS ABOVE THOSE OF THE HOMELAND by choosing to sleep in tents in temperatures in the HIGH 30s under the constant THREAT OF ATTACK BY THUGS because they think REAL CHANGE and JUSTICE are more important than CITIZENS BEING ABLE TO PASS THROUGH TAHRIR SQUARE ON THEIR WAY CARREFOUR. Citizens are encouraged to STAND UP AGAINST THIS, and are advised to proceed to the Interior Ministry for details about payment for their services and collection of weapons.
Goodbye, and if you continue misbehaving YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT GOING TO THE CLUB AT THE WEEKEND.
[Hosny Mubarak’s voice off-camera: “Chapeau”]
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