I have been bestowed with many blessings, and one of them is that I was chosen to be Magdy El-Gallad. I am waterproof, microwave and oven safe, and most importantly I fear no criticism. I fear nobody.
Another blessing is that like you, dear reader, I was lucky enough to be born of an Egyptian mother. The Internet doesn’t exist. All of you lucky enough to be reading this are members of the superior race, in the beautiful Land of Kanana.
I have learnt that being proud of my country means using it as a basis for ad hominem attacks on colleagues and others I disagree with, as well as a device for constructing fascistic, paranoid delusions designed to distract people from the fact that I am a self-obsessed, cow-towing sycophant.
Robert Springborg (who I describe as American when he is in fact Australian because it fits into my theory of a US plan to invade Egypt**) and that British correspondent Alistair Beach don’t understand something. Even some Egyptians living amongst us have misunderstood – despite their superior intellect – because they have been mislead by the Internet. What they have misunderstood is this:
I AM A SUPER MAN. I AM THE SUCCOR FOR THIS GENERATION AND MY LEGACY WILL BE THE SUCCOR FOR COMING GENERATIONS. I CANNOT BE BLACKMAILED. I LED THE 1973 CROSSING. I DIED IN IT AND RETURNED TO LIFE. I CANNOT BE THREATENED. I AM THE FRESH WATER IN THE MOUTH OF THE THIRSTY MAN. I AM THE GENTLE MELODY OF A STREAM RUNNING PAST A HOSPITAL INSIDE OF WHICH A MAN RECOVING FROM HERNIA SURGERY FINDS SOLACE. I AM YOUR DAD’S FAVOURITE JUMPER. I AM THE LOCK OF BABY HAIR YOUR MOTHER KEEPS IN HER DRAWER. I AM THE LOST MOBILE CHARGER YOU DISCOVER AFTER TWO DAYS OF SEARCHING. I AM THE SILENT, ODOURLESS FART YOU MANAGE TO DISPENSE IN A WORK MEETING AFTER A SUMPTUOUS BUSINESS LUNCH. I AM EGYPT.
Springborg and Beach don’t understand this because they hail from countries with inferior genes. They don’t understand that I WILL NOT BE THREATENED, other than by whoever happens to be in power in Egypt today.
As we have established, I am not an ordinary mortal. Since I am not an ordinary mortal I gave the benefit of the doubt to the idiots working in the new Al-Masry Al-Youm English supplement when they decided to publish that article by Springborg. Not everyone can be Magdy El-Gallad, but luckily Magdy El-Gallad can be everywhere.
Springborg wrote an article suggesting that there are schisms between my moustache and my face, and that my moustache – together with my nostril hair – wants to stage a coup against my face. This Springborg supposes to threaten me with well-researched opinion pieces based on a 30-year academic career!
I do not fear Springborg, nor the Independent, nor Foreign Policy nor that broken record of “freedom of opinion” that the West uses to play its dirty games against us. I don’t give a damn about Springborg or his great country that I say is the US when it is in fact Australia**, because the US fits my imperialist plot theory better. I will not publish his article and will bang the nationalist drums in order to cover up the censorship.
SPRINGBORG HAS CHOSEN THE WRONG MAN. I CANNOT BE BLACKMAILED. I DON’T BELIEVE IN THE MYTH OF THE WEST AND AM NOT DAZZLED BY ITS PRESS BECAUSE FRANKLY THEY DON’T USE ENOUGH ANONYMOUS “HIGH LEVEL” SOURCES. I DEAL WITH MY FOES VERY RARELY AS EQUALS AND MOSTLY AS INFERIOR BEINGS.
Springborg thinks that I can be blackmailed into publishing this article when I don’t give two hoots about what he thinks, because a single, testosterone-filled black hair of my (non-coup leading) moustache is better than him, his country and the entire West.
While he is busy plotting instability on my face I am with the common man, lurking around Establ Antar and Imbaba going on about the good honest Egyptian brown soil before leaving to my lucrative CBC presenting job. I work for the common man. I AM THE COMMON MAN AND THE UNCOMMON MAN.
I say to Springborg this: our several thousand years of culture has taught us that difference of opinion is healthy, unless it is difference of opinion about my moustache. 87 million Egyptians and the army and Islamists are in agreement about my moustache because my moustache is Egypt, and they were taught to love Egypt while still at their mother’s breast. In fact my mother has on several occasions tried to throw me in the Nile, such was her concern to teach me to love this blessed country.
I say to Robert Springborg and to those in league with him: Springborg, you are an American (whether you like it or not)** and you work for the US Ministry of Defence. Your status as a foreigner from a foreign country disqualifies you from the right to comment on affairs concerning my face. I say this because I am the gatekeeper for Egyptian morals and decide what and what Egyptians can handle with regards to moustache affairs.
ONLY I STAND IN BETWEEN EVIL WESTERN SCHEMES TO DESTABLISE MY FACE AND BELOVED EGYPT AS A WHOLE. ANYONE IN THE WEST, IN EGYPT AND IN AL-MASRY AL-YOUM WHO IS UNHAPPY WITH THIS REALITY CAN PISS OFF.
*Update: Max Strasser provides an alternative English translation here.
**In fact I am informed by someone who knows Mr Springborg that he is a dual citizen. Clearly I am the douche who didn’t do my homework and not El-Gallad.