Hello, my dears,
Dr Ahmed Shafiq here.
Well, as you know I am on the doorstep of victory. In fact, I am inside the house of victory but I mustn’t say anything about that just yet. That presumptuous upstart terrorist claims that he is in the house of victory, even before official results are out. He entered through the back door and thinks he can make all the furniture face Mecca. Are we not Muslims too??
Yesterday, in between phone calls with my campaign team I took a short break to go the club. I had woken up feeling headachy and a bit nauseous, as I often do, and also I wanted to make contact with the Egyptian people. I took my friend Madame Shoushou with me. On the way I talked to my driver, Gomaa. He could hardly drive because of the tears of happiness running down his face when I told him that I have, in fact, mostly won. Now I am President. Hussein just needs to sign off on it after Farouk and Bagato have spent some time with the numbers.
I am excited about being president; it will take me back to the old airport days. You may have gone through the new airport terminal and seen my handiwork. It is five stars. I modeled it on the gazebo in my summerhouse and a Turkish company built it for me at a very good price.
Anyway I was talking about going to the club. I took over driving because as I said, Gomaa was too emotional so he sat in the back and Madame Shoushou, a Christian lady, sat in the front because I believe in a civil state of rights for all.
Madame Shoushou told me about problems her daughter was having with their new maid. The complete economic collapse of the country caused by constant Muslim Brotherhood riots means that they can no longer afford their previous nanny, a woman from Eritrea. They have been forced to employ an Egyptian woman, a peasant from Boulaq Abol Ela who has given them no end of problems. The children now all speak in the most vulgar way and it has been agreed that she keep conversation with the kids to a minimum.
Gomaa was emotional because Egyptian people are often like this, especially when they are illiterate. As I was driving we were confronted by a horrible sight. A microbus full of the urban poor driving the wrong way down the highway!! I was forced to swerve the Mercedes into the hard shoulder at breakneck speed. As I did so, the foul microbus driver caught and maintained eye contact with me.
He gave me a look as if to say, “what you going to do about it, you cunt?!?” What could I say!? Madame Shoushou by this time had completely collapsed and was lamenting the lost days of Habib. We have been at the mercy of a tidal wave of crime and chaos for 15 months. And the Muslim Brotherhood terrorists plan to turn the Interior Ministry into a madrassa! God help Egypt.
We recovered on the side of the road with a restorative drink. We noticed that we had almost been killed in this incident due to a flat tyre and so another drink was needed. Gomaa took over the driving from thereon in, Madame Shoushou told me later.
My dears, things weren’t like this so long ago, and they can be better. Here is a secret: the revolution didn’t begin on January 25 2011, it was interrupted. It began in 2010 when Gamal started doing his revolutionary televised town hall meetings with Egypt’s youth. Young people are impetuous and impatient however. If they had waited I think we could have gone from A to Z without all the painful letters in between. Gamal never wanted to become president – Hussein would never have allowed it in any case – he was a visionary who saw that things needed changing, but gradually.
We are 7,000 years old. Egyptians are an obedient people but they have been led astray by certain characters like that yob Essam Sultan. Essam is a cheap security agent licking his wounds after he was thrown out of that terrorist organisation the Muslim Brotherhood. I will make him realise his true size within 24 hours of being declared (officially) president. Him and that dentist, Alaa, who I humiliated on television last year.
I will fix traffic within 24 hours of becoming president. Egyptians deserve better and they have nothing to fear from me unless they are being troublesome. I open my heart and also my office to members of the revolutionary youth like Hussein Ghandour and Ahmed Zbaydar, and I will build youth clubs for the Ultras.
My campaign team has been giving me very positive feedback about my television appearances on Egypt’s satellite talk shows. If I am honest, I find these appearances gruelling. It seems that I have an allergy to certain materials found in TV studios that make me sleepy and cause me to slur my words. Still, my message got through to the Egyptian public as in the first round I beat that Communist and that Islamist and also Amr, who displayed shockingly bad taste in running against me
I have faith in my campaign spokesman, Sarhan, who is under constant attack from thugs because of his relentless speaking of the truth in the face of liars and also Al Ahram election result figures. El-Ayyat’s riffraff in Tahrir Square think they are fooling us. They are in for a surprise, Hussein told me yesterday.
My dears, this is the end of my message. I was up all night last night celebrating with my followers and also worrying about Hosny, who had another of his brief turns. But I want to leave you with a piece of advice I read in one of my Sufi spiritualism books.
“If you tried to bring people over to your artificial side today, you might make some elements hate you more, just because they’re not on your side today”.
Lieutenant General and also Doctor and mostly President of the Arab Republic of Egypt, Ahmed Shafiq.
PHd, The National Strategy of Outer Space.